Patriarchy is a Narcissistic System.

Patriarchy is a narcissistic system.

By this, I (obviously) don’t mean that all men are patriarchal. 

OR narcissistic. 

There are men who think of women as full human beings. 

And there are women who will be “for women’s liberation” as long as it’s their own liberation and not other women’s.

I have sat around tables where women kept mute as a man dehumanized other women. 

So, I understand all these realities. 

What I mean is – Patriarchy is a narcissistic system because when you make one person the “head” of a unit and they have power just because they happen to be a man, you are setting up conditions for all sorts of things to go wrong. 

Some years ago, when I used to come across sensitive women talking about narcissistic men, I wondered: Were we getting something wrong? 

Were we overusing the word “narcissistic”?

But the older I grow, the more I see the dynamics behind this. 

Yes, sometimes, women may be confusing attachment wounds or complicated push-and-pull dynamics in intimate relationships with something more nefarious. 

But we are all also living in a certain kind of world. 

We are swimming in waters where men being “more equal” than women is normalized. And that’s a breeding ground for all kinds of ills.   

Narcissism is often bred in patriarchal cultures – it is so common-place that it almost feels garden-variety when you encounter it casually.

But when a woman is on the receiving end of it in a personal relationship, when they have been harmed in a significant way by it – these highly-common, entitled behaviors affect them in very damaging, very psychologically violent ways. 

It is not something casual or momentary out-in-the-world. 

It is poison that seeps deep into their emotional wells. 

And so now, I clearly see why there are SO MANY narcissistic men.

It’s because we live in systems that create them. 

I did a quick Google search and here are some things that came up that feel true-to-me BOTH from seeing the lives of women I know and all the different forms of sexism I’ve encountered myself. 

Patriarchy mirrors many of these traits of narcissistic systems: 

• Entitlement to control other people 
• Grandiosity
• Image management being more important than authenticity
• A brittle, fragile ego/sense of self being defended through aggression.   

I think this is why some women, especially from older generations – are getting divorced. 

They were with men for whom patriarchy seeped in so deep, it became their very identity. 

I think it is also important to say that while patriarchy harms women a LOT, it also harms many men. 

Men who are emotionally attuned and sensitive have a REALLY hard time in patriarchal systems, where anything emotional is considered “feminine.”

So, not all men benefit from patriarchy. 

Many suffer because of it. 

And for those other men who GET something out of being one-up, they get their sense of entitlement in return for having a sense of self that grows on very shaky soil. 

It’s the soil that says they are inherently better and women are inherently weaker. 

That’s why they get SO angry when they are questioned. 

In lopsided dynamics, it’s easier to deflect and project on the other person and call them “emotional” (used often for women) or “soft” (used often for men) than it is to truly look inside yourself and take responsibility.  

I think this is an important piece for ALL of us to understand – whether you are a woman who encounters misogyny OR a man harmed by patriarchal norms (a lot of fathers take out their anger on their sons, for example). 

We are all swimming in this soup of beliefs and norms. 

And no matter who we are, we are going to rub against this in one form or another. 

When we do, it is important not to gaslight ourselves and say it’s “normal” or “nothing,” but to take the steps to protect ourselves and have compassion for ourselves. 

That’s the very least we can do in situations that may be harming our very souls. 

Instead of getting caught up in questioning whether we are overreacting because a questionable behavior is considered “normal,” we have to consider whether it is actually something that is NOT normal, but in fact, has been “normalized.” 

Just because the majority is doing something, doesn’t make it right.  

Ritu Kaushal is the author of the book The Empath’s Journey and a Silver Medal Awardee at the Rex Awards, co-presented by the United Nations in India. Find more about Ritu HERE.

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